


With The Honey And The Sting

by Angel_of_Brahma



Category: Dimension 20 (Web Series)
Genre: A thinly veiled excuse for me to project my Catholic guilt on Kristen, Angst, But with Helio, Catholic Guilt, Drabble, Flash Fiction, Gen, written pre finale dont @ me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-29
Updated: 2020-02-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:15:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22961524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angel_of_Brahma/pseuds/Angel_of_Brahma
Summary: Kristen says goodbye (again) to the past.
Relationships: Kristen Applebees/Tracker O'Shaughnessey, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 28





	With The Honey And The Sting

Helioc traditions were based in guilt. In constant sin and repentance, from birth til death. Beyond that was the unbelievable: miracles and parables, life and resurrection, corn and... not-corn. Maybe that's why Kristen still felt the pull, even now, to The Church.

  
She had to pass by Daybreak's house to get there. What was Daybreak's house. He was dead. He'd been dead for years. The house had never been bought after, as if everyone knew what happened there. As if everyone knew he was a monster.

  
Was she a monster? Was that what the universe saw her as? She'd killed people. She'd stood by and let one of her closest friends kill Daybreak. She'd even taken the blow herself later, slamming her staff down with all her might, her ears ringing, her entire body building to a scream.

  
She'd watch the coach fall, stricken down by her doubt.

  
She couldn't talk about it. She didn't have to. They could all tell how she felt.

  
The Church had never been repaired. In the past two years the attitude towards it hadn't changed. It was the hub for radicalisation, for the Harvestmen. Kristen's parents left town for mass every Sunday. Kristen felt, even now, as if part of her past had died.

  
She walked through the doorway, running her hands along the pews. Some were scorched, others were beginning to rot. Kristen felt all of it, as if her soul was still tied to Helio. 

  
A young group of adventurers (younger than they were, at least) had thrown a stone through the old stain glass window. She picked up a piece, holding it up to the light. 

As she did she murmured  
"The Lord is my shepherd, there is nothing I shall want."

  
She felt taken back there, to Sunday school, to her parent's thinly veiled bigotry, to hiding in a closet for so many years. To her brothers, God, her brothers. She closed her eyes. She tried to do best by them. She prayed to every deity listening that they would grow to be better.

  
She tucked the glass in her pocket and took a moment to stand, breathe in the dusty air. She remembered when her grandmother died and her faith fractured. She remembered being attacked for loving and her faith shattered.

  
Tracker was her rock through it all. From Yes! to Yes? to complete doubt again. She listened, quiet and supportive, carding a hand through her hair.

  
"You don't have to have an answer" she said "But if you want one you _will_ get there."

  
She imagined Tracker in stained glass, a moon-bright halo behind her. If she could, she would worship at her altar. In the meantime, she kissed her softly.

  
"I love you." She whispered, tears filling her eyes.

  
She remembered the void in Freshman year, Arthur Aguefort on the other side of the door. She remembered everything she'd asked.

  
"Who and why?"

  
"Who is easy. It is us, everything... And you. Why is harder. Why is something only you can decide. The universe doesn't have a why."  
"Is it wrong to love her?"

  
"Never."

  
"I want to care. I don't feel like anything wants me to. I feel like it's wrong to care and to love, but I feel like my body might explode if I don't."

  
"Kristen, tell me, what's a god worthy of your choosing?"

If she could go back, she would have said _YOU_ to the voice that asked.

  
Kristen bent down and left her Book of Helio at the altar.

  
"I'm sorry I was Chosen. I'm sorry you were wrong. I can't worship in the way you need me to. I can't hate and hate until I die. I can't keep up this guilt forever. I'm trying to say goodbye."

  
She kissed it softly.

  
She quoted, "Mea Culpa, Mea Culpa, Mea Maxima Culpa." She shook her head. "No, it's not my fault this time."


End file.
